If only we were perfect…

I’ve been helping a young friend apply for jobs. He’s filled in forms and I’ve edited – popping in commas, chopping words, suggesting small changes. I’ve quite enjoyed it. Once I managed to meet the word count by cutting 110 words! Those years parsing in English lessons are finally paying off.

But what’s struck me are the Person Specifications. Outstanding this, excellent that, highly organised, exceptional with people. One mentioned pride and passion, another resilience, flexibility and discretion; followed by a toilet roll list of responsibilities. All for the privilege of earning £24,000 a year, in London! If such a person exists – supremely gifted, utterly committed, exceptionally hard working – could they actually afford to live there?

Aspirational, you might say. It’s an aspirational job spec. Fair enough. But there’s a difference between having a hope or ambition that is actually achievable and one that is just, well, rhetoric. Who are we kidding when we advertise (or apply for) jobs like these? No one’s that perfect, literally no one.

The other thing that strikes me is that these job specs rarely include the kinds of qualities that actually make a person great to work with – honesty, for example or integrity, patience, kindness. a sense of humour. You could say that’s implicit in the ‘outstanding team player’ part, but I don’t think it is. Views about what make a good team player will vary from company to company.

Actually, my friend was asked to define good team work in an interview and he wanted to say, ‘Get stuff done without killing each other.’ But he talked about shared goals, mutual accountability, playing to people’s strengths. The panel nodded so hard their heads nearly fell off.

Of course, those are great ideals to have and hopefully many teams do operate like this, but the whole process – from advert to interview – just seems a bit of a game to me.

So I’ve had a go at some adverts myself. I should point out that my desire for a cleaner isn’t likely to happen any time soon. And a good cleaner is hard to find – it’s a difficult job. I’ve had two cleaners over the years and they were both amazing. (If either of you are reading this, give yourselves a hug, from me.)

Home Detoxifier Wanted

Essential

Post-graduate qualification in virology/bacteriology or similar

Superior Surface-cleaning Award, preferably from a Russell Group university

Evidence of the complete memorisation of How to Clean your House by Mrs Hinch (or similar)

Outstanding mastery of floor cleaning including speed vacuuming, hoover bag acquisition, and a radical under-furniture dusting commitment

Exceptional laundering skills

Detailed knowledge of the composition of cleaning fluids

Passionate under-sink management, including the effective storage and retrieval of cleaning bottles

Robust handling of the U-bend

Desirable

Experience of homes where two people can, occasionally at short notice, become 7, including a baby

Terms

3 hours per week

£8 per hour

10 minutes’ coffee break (to be taken on site)

Free provision of milk (provide own mug, tea and coffee)

Small tip at Christmas

This advert is for the same job.

Cleaner required

Essential

Honest

Friendly

Sense of humour

Willingness to hoover, clean bathrooms, kitchen and other surfaces

If time, happy to iron

Desirable

Experience of unpredictable creative types

Terms

3 hours per week

£15 per hour

Coffee break

Tea, coffee, milk etc provided

Free books

God alone is perfect. Humans can be creative, hilarious, innovative, gifted, unique and wise. But we’re ultimately unreliable.

Could we maybe make the whole job thing a bit more…honest?

Thanks for reading. What do you think? Let me know in the comments below.

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